Sometimes there are no words. Sometimes there is a pain inside and to try to answer “What’s wrong?” seems pointless and absurd. Sometimes even if you had the words, and even if you totally trusted the person you were with, it might rip and burn and scar to get them out, and then once they were out nothing would be better. Sometimes what you need is a companion who can be with you without words. Someone who you can share love and acceptance and connection with until those feelings subside. Sometimes you need the love that only paws, or scales or feathers can provide.
Patrick Roemer rarely had access to words when he was feeling terrible. He would sit in my office with his head in his hands and I would ask questions and he would respond as well as he could with body language. He just wanted to go home and be with his dog, Cici. When they were together and his fingers were running through her fur he could breathe again.
Therapy is great. I have been working with young people with mental health challenges since 1999 and I have witnessed hundreds of kids make incredible progress. I also know that therapy is not a fit for everyone, and even for the people who love it, an hour a week is often not enough. As a therapist I’m not there at 3 AM when dark thoughts won’t stop coming, or when it is time to wake and the anxiety or depression are pressing you into the bed like the gravity has been turned up to 11. But that dog/cat/lizard/bird can be there. They can help you to feel less alone and give you a creature that needs you to get up and face the world because they are relying on you.
I remember the day that Cici died. It was Patrick’s first day of senior year of high school and the anguish that he radiated rolled out from him like waves. He could barely speak but his body language was screaming at me. For the next few months we attempted to process and fill the void that had been created but nothing could replace that relationship. There was pain. Patrick had known years of struggle with some of the most extreme depression and anxiety I have ever encountered. There were also good days and times. During the first months of the pandemic Patrick was bonding with and enjoying his family in a way he hadn’t since his early childhood and he threw himself into other coping skills like exercise. When he died by suicide in May of 2020 it came as a shock. I had not spoken with him since the pandemic started, but that didn’t surprise me as talking was never a great fit. In the midst of their grief his family dedicated themselves to finding a way to support other young people with mental health issues and the path was obvious: connect kids to the love and connection of animals.
By August of 2020 Paws for Patrick was born. We help families to find and acquire emotional support animals and can also provide some assistance for training. We get them documentation from mental health providers so they can have access to their emotional support animals when traveling, in college dorms or in apartments or condos that do not typically allow pets. Perhaps most importantly we bring trained therapy dogs to visit with young people who cannot have their own animals. We believe in the power animals have to sooth and comfort. We have the data that proves it, but typically the only evidence anyone needs is the smile of a child.
There are those who are critical of the increased prevalence of Emotional Support Animals. They feel that people are simply taking advantage of their desire to be with their pets and are misrepresenting their level of need. I offer this perspective as a counter point: most people enjoy music. Many people who have no diagnosed mental health condition use music to help them cope with difficult times in their lives. For people who have mental health issues music often has a therapeutic effect. No one finds these ideas controversial. No matter how legitimate the need, however, if a person was blasting their music of choice to a level and degree where it was causing discomfort to others that is unacceptable. Similarly we would never advocate for people with an ESA to be allowed to cause discomfort for others. If there are some people who are doing that it is like the people who choose to blast music, some people are rude but that does not mean we should be critical of the concept of supporting people with animals or music. Furthermore it is clear that the benefit of access to animals for not just people with mental health issues, but all people, had a tremendous net positive impact.
When there are no words but there is a need for unconditional empathy, love and support, let an animal lead the way. Paws for Patrick is still a small organization but we hope to grow and our goal is to never turn a family away (although we may need to say, not yet). We can never balance the loss of Patrick but we can share his belief that animals can help when nothing else can and dedicate ourselves to spreading that love as far and wide as possible.
Dan Maigler is a school social worker and therapist in private practice. He is on the board for Paws for Patrick as a mental health advisor and hosts the mental health podcast Not Allowed to Die on Spotify.