Just What I Needed

Just What I Needed

I’ve cried so much in the last couple of weeks. Somehow, in such a short time span, I lost my beloved D&D group that I’ve been playing with for almost 3 years and was broken up with in a surprising and cruel way - not to mention that I’m worried about my mom who recently had major foot surgery and still not super happy with the results of a recent procedure on my nose.

I didn’t know what to do when faced with all of this. I tried so many things, mostly involving distracting myself and not being alone, but I still felt angry, resentful, and liable to burst into tears at any given moment.

I decided, after trying and failing to meet with several friends, that I needed to be the one to solve this problem myself - but what could break through so many negative emotions at once? I started to think of things that would make me happy in the future - books, video games, vacation, and the like - and put them on a list. The closest thing was the release of a video game towards the end of June, but in the meantime, I wallowed in self-pity and had no clue how to get out.

And then, I found out that a demo of the game was released a couple of weeks early. I normally wouldn’t let myself play part of a game before I could access the entire thing, but I figured this had to be the time for relaxing my rules. After all, I tried everything else that could make me feel better, to no avail. It was worth a shot.

So, as I hid inside my closet from a tornado warning, I booted up my Nintendo Switch and started to play the demo of Fire Emblem Warriors: Three Hopes.

I knew, right away, that I would have no patience for the storylines I didn’t like. As soon as there was a choice within the plot, I chose to follow my favorite character - someone I picked out many years ago for surviving significant medical trauma and also managing to be a badass at the same time. The battle style of the game was easy enough that I could just fall right in even though my head was in no place for sophisticated strategy.

The first two battles went pretty okay. By the third, I was surprised to see that the story was changing direction in a most pleasant way. The more I clicked through, it was like someone at Nintendo had asked me what I wanted to see in the story and they’d written it exactly like that. It was like a fanfiction come to life, and I couldn’t help but smile as I saw that the third battle was going to take place in an area of the game I’d wanted to play with for a long time: the palace.

Instead of focusing on strategy, I ran my character all around the map of the palace, getting increasingly happy as I made mental notes of where everything was. Indoor and outdoor gardens, how fancy - and the throne room that had only been in the first game for a minute, and a waterfall that looked and sounded real… Oh, and here’s a “Chamber of the Eagle,” that’s such a cool name for a room!

In my short time playing the demo, I found the fairness and control I felt like my real life lacked lately. I got to see my favorite characters - who live with mental illness and trauma just like me - emerging victorious. And all of this set to an amazing soundtrack with beautifully written dialogue sent me over the edge.

For the first time since my D&D group ended - the impetus that started all of this - I started crying happy tears.

In that moment, the happiness was stronger than the sadness. I could feel my old, familiar urge to reach out to others who love this series like I do and read fanfiction until I go cross-eyed and prepare my wig for this year’s DragonCon. For the first time since all of this happened, I felt like myself again - all thanks to my positive obsession with the Fire Emblem: Three Houses universe.

Just like my other positive obsessions, I didn’t know that it would start when it did. I didn’t know it would last as long as it has. But I know that, at least for now, this is something that makes me happy - happier than I would have thought was possible - and it renewed my faith that even if my brain was causing me pain, it also provided me the perfect way to get out of it.

As I played through the rest of the demo, the positive and negative emotions came out that needed to - and as I sit here writing this, I feel like I’ve taken many steps on my way back to my normal self. In the end, it turns out my OCD was just what I needed.

Ellie, a writer in the Chicago area, was diagnosed with OCD at age 3. She hopes to educate others about her condition and end the stigma against mental illness.