The Start of Something Good
Pride month for me as a teenager was something I wanted no part of. It was almost a phobia, like spiders, or enclosed spaces. Getting posts in my feed gave me a shock that I wanted no part of. While I wanted nothing to do with gay culture there was a deeper reason I had struggled, especially during the month of June. It was because I was part of that thing that I grew up learning as gross whether I liked it or not, and this time the answer was, well, not.
I hold the younger version of myself close as I write this, because he did not think he would make it to a day that he can talk about his experience openly and candidly. My whole life there were random moments where sexuality came up. There was the kind that got the classroom all smiley and jittery talking about their future wives, and there was the one that made people repulsed, and disgusted. Of course nobody would want to feel repulsed and disgusted.
As you get older you notice things you might not have noticed before. As I began to interpret my feelings as a young man it became clear to me that something was wrong with me and that I am disgusting and repulsive.
Atomic habits by James Clear discusses the power of the tribe, which is how when the habits or norms around us do not align with us we are built to change ourselves to fit even if it has a detrimental effect on our self. So that's exactly what I did. I got so good at lying about my love interests that even I began to believe it. People tell me, "But you had crushes on girls" and just like the power of tribe says, no, I simply wanted to be alive and feel accepted.
Everybody experiences their own lives differently. No two people are the same or develop exactly the same. That being said everybody is on their own timeline regardless of anything. As humans we live with dreams and ambitions. Something that helps us get to where we want to is to be able to follow a blue print. Since everybody is different, there isn't a one size fits all, however there is a group that I would like to personally acknowledge.
Realizing I was gay broke me at first. The blueprint I thought I once had shattered in front of my eyes. Through a lot of self development, care, and support from friends, family, and therapists the 15 year old who couldn't see himself making it past 18 in a world that widely rejected a part of him he didn't choose, now has the confidence to say the words the 15 year old couldn't. It's Ok.
It's ok that you're different in some ways, it's ok that your original vision and reality don't align, it's ok that life isn't going according to plan, and to know that with time, you can learn to love things about yourself you once could never simply acknowledge.
Baruch Hashem (Thank G-d), it's getting better. Better to everyone looks different. To me it's that there slowly is becoming more of a conscious that, that word people throw around isn't something that only happens to "them" or outsiders. It can happen to anyone. It could be your friend, your sibling, or even your very own child.
This past weekend I had the amazing pleasure to participate in one of my best friend's wedding. Weddings in the past hadn't been an easy experience for me. Often there was a trigger that would remind me of my differences. I am so happy with where I am in that regard today but I'd like to share an unfortunate event that took place.
2 of my friends and I were chatting with this middle aged man at the wedding. He seemed cool and you could tell at times in the conversation he was trying to be relatable. For whatever reason a pride flag was mentioned and this man who was just trying to impress us goes "I f’ing hate gays" my friend immediately made eye contact with me and we smirked at each other knowing that this guy had just said one of the dumbest things not knowing who was amongst him.
This is the type of stuff I'd hear in my formative years and I have no logical explanation for how I was able to persevere to the other side. A moment that once would have caused me to run away crying became a moment where I almost felt bad for how much of a fool this man made of himself. This man I had seen over the course of the wedding. He's a man with a family.
My two messages to wrap this up are as follows. To the man who made that comment. You are lucky it was me. Someone who has the confidence and support at this point to not let a comment like that ruin the rest of my night or life. But the ignorance to say something like that around people you deemed "safe" to speak hate in front of when in fact you were standing right in front of someone living with that experience was idiotic.
Like I said before. Someone doesn't need to have rainbow hair, a shirt saying gay or a septum piercing (all stereotypes) to be gay. It could be your friends, it could be your family, it can be your very own children you speak this hate to without even realizing.
To kids, teens, young adults, adults who don't feel safe. When it comes to something like this you'll be surprised what people might say out of pure ignorance. But I want you to know that there is another side. It may take time. It might not be easy. Really freaking not easy. But there is a place for you here. There is a place for you in this world, there is a place for you in Judaism, and there is a place for you in your own heart.
Remember that for everyone hateful comment there are another bunch of people who love you no matter what. We grow up believing we aren't enough, that we are broken. Let me be one to tell you that you are perfect as you are. Don't change for anybody. And not only are you not broken, but you are capable of exceeding even your own expectations of what your life can be and what you can accomplish in this world. No matter where you are in your journey, remember, G-d made you, he loves you, people love you, I love you and if not yet, soon enough you will love you too.
Written By: Gadi Kalman, 23-year-old college student and mental health advocate.